Management lesson

Johnny wanted to have s#x with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...


One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.


Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "


She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.


Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."


So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.


She responded, "The bastard used coins!"



Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed!

Kabir on IT

Kabir :
Aisi baani boliye, man ka aapa khoye
Auron ko sheetal kare, aaphi sheetal hoye


SE:
Aisa presentation dijiye, man ka aapa khoye,
Auron ko confuse kare, aaphi confuse hoye

Kabir :
Guru Govind doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihari guru aapke, govind diyo bataye


SE :
Client aur manager doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihaari client aapke, manager diyo bataye.

Rahim :
Rahiman dhaaga prem ka, mat todo chatkaye
tode se fir jude na, jude gaanth pad jaaye


SE :
SE confidence manager, mat todo chatkaye
Project to barbaad hoye hi, appraisal mein waat lag jaye.

Kabir :
Dheere dheere re mana, dheere sab kuch hoye,
Maali seenche sow ghara, ritu aaye phal hoye


SE :
Dheere dheere re project leader, dheere project execute hoye,
client dikhaye kitni bhi urgency, release deadline ke baad hi hoye..

Kabir :
Jab Tun Aaya Jagat Mein, Log Hanse Tu Roye
Aise Karni Na Kari, Pache Hanse Sab Koye


SE :
Jab project aaye company mein, client hase hum roye,
Aisi karni na kari, tu hase client roye...

Kabir:
Dukh Mein Simran Sab Kare, Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye
Jo Sukh Mein Simran Kare, Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye


SE:
Rush hour mein kaam sab karen, routine mein kare na koye,
jo routine mein sab kaam kare, to rush hour kaahe hoye.

Kabir :
Pothhi padh padh jag mooya, pandit bhaya na koye,
Dhai aakhar prem ka, padhe so pandit hoye


SE :
Coding kar ar jag mooya, programmer bhaya na koye,
Do shabd copy-paste ke, kare so programmer hoye.

Kabir :
Chalati chakki dekh ke, diya Kabira roye,
Do paatan ke beechmein, saabut bacha na koye


SE:
Client aur manager ko dekhke, engineers saare roye,
Deadline meet karne ke chakkar mein, saabut bacha na koye.

Kabir:
Chinta Aisee Dakini, Kat Kaleja Khaye
Vaid Bichara Kya Kare, Kahan Tak Dawa Lagaye


SE:
Deadline aisi dakini, man ka tension badhaaye,
kaam itna ho sar par, time pe complete kaise ho paaye.

Kabir:
Maala To Kar Mein Phire, Jeebh Phire Mukh Mahin
Manua To Chahun Dish Phire, Yeh To Simran Nahin


SE:
Engineer gaye sab cigarette peene, Leader phire office maahin,
Cubicle se jyaada time canteen pe rahe, yeh to dedication naahin

HEIGHT OF Misunderstanding

Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck:

"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!

The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't
tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy
because the electricity bill has not been paid.

" Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "

"Yes... speaking"

Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"

"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"

" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "

" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."

"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are
overdue"

"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will
speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?

What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.

"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."

"PAY you? And if I refuse?"

"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."

"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.

"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

The 1st Kiss

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first
time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

Nice Incident

A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he
leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he
will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following
typed note:


Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.



Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:



Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlady.

Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady to recover the dues.

Wonderful definitions

Wonderful definitions of designations at office .
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to Produce a baby.
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby

Dogs Vs Cats

11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.

10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.

9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.

8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.

6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.

5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.

4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.

3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.

2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.

1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

Yoga vs whisky: Who wins?

Yoga vs Whisky

Pic 1: it takes years of practice to do this asana.



Pic2: it takes only 6 pegs of whiskey to do the above asana.

How Dare you....

One day= , at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her sk= irt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.


Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back a= nd unzipped her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step.

Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more.
Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her sk= irt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her= leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.

The gir= l turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way,= I don't even know you!"
Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzip= ped my pants three times, I thought that we were friends."

Year 2019 - Cricket World Cup News

India failed to defeat Afghanistan in the world cup qualifier in the Asia -Pacific zone

* Coach Sehwag said that he is not worried bcoz he has backing of selectors, captain and board.... and that they had won a close match against Papua new guinea just 2 yrs ago

* Rahul Dravid, the coach of New Zealand team said that Sachin should now consider retiring gracefully and let his son take over the captaincy

* Mahender Singh Dhoni broke Ajit Agarkars record of most no of consecutive ducks in twenty 20

* Saurav Ganguly, the coach of England feels that the boys need to control their emotions on the field

* The current leading man from bollywood Bret Lee advices MS Dhoni to take up acting as well

* Minnows Pakistan beat Ireland in a close match...and thus they avenged their defeat in the 2007 WC against the then minnows Ireland

* Inzamam ul haq, who was the captain of the losing team and now the present coach said in a press interview that "Boys plays well...they try hard...inshallah we wins the world cup"

* The police arrested 8 ppl for violence after England and NZ match... " Investigations revealed that these ppl were members of Dravid and Ganguly fan communities on Orkut, which have 62 and 12 members respectively. "

* The Indian cricket board led by president Rahul Gandhi has called for an emergency meeting to discuss future course of action. Former players like Yuvraj Singh , Md Kaif, VVS Laxman and Kumble have been invited...coach Sehwag and captain Tendulkar will present a report...

* VVS Laxman today created a new controversy by saying that he expected a written apology from Rahul Gandhi for including him in the category of former players.... he said that he has improved his fielding and fitness and wants to play 2023 WC in Brazil

Laloo traveling by his car

One day Laloo was traveling by his car.

He was going to a village for campaigning. Suddenly a piglet camebeforethe car. The driver

couldn't hit the brake at the right time and unfortunately the baby pig was killed in the accident.

At the sight Laloo was deeply moved and felt very upset. He called thedriver and said,"Jiska e suuar hai hum usko compensesan dena chahtahoon. Usko dhundke lao".

At his words the driver went to the nearest village and came back aftersome time with a tilak on his forehead, garlands around his neck andlots of money in his hands!!!

Laloo was surprised. He asked,"Hum tumko kaha tha ke uss aadmi ko laiye,aur tum aise wapas aaye ho! Baat kya hai?"

At this the driver replied " I told them about the incident. Hearing itthey were rejoiced, put tilak and garlands on me, then danced for sometime and gave this money."

Laloo then asked him "Aap unko eg-jectly kaa bola?"

The driver replied:
"Main bola, mein Laloo Prasad Yadav ka driver hoon, maine suaar kebachhe ko mar dala hai......... ."

Umpire giving bad decisions

Ossie approached the umpire after a series of bad decisions.

"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."

Interesting

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?

I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably
dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has
informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is
born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.

However,

If there is a miscarriage or unsucessful delivery , what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You can try again!..............."

Job Offer

Sleeping in the barn

A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman were travelling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmers' door and asked for accommodation for the night.

"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn," said the Jew.
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K., I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frenchman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.

Sex tourist in Bangkok

The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlours.

"Sory", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight."
Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought.
He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlour the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."

wishes

One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heared from her mother that if she will do a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Devi" will come to her dreams & give her 3 boons(Varadaan). So she decided to do it. She completed 4 yrs successfully, doing prayer regularly.

Now it was a day for "Devi" to come. So she slept earlier with thoughts in her mind to ask. And, really a "Devi" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.

Devi: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very very happy with you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.

Girl: Condition!, what is that?

Devi: You have a boy-friend?

Girl: Yes.

Devi: When you were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didnt know anything about boon and all, so he is also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed for the 1st boon.

Girl: (After thinking for some time ... ): Yes, I am ready.

Girl: 1st, Make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.

Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.

Girl: It's OK.

Devi: Be as you wish!

Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl inthe world.

Devi: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.

Girl: It's OK.

Devi: Be as you wish.

Devi: Now the last boon remains.


Girl: O Devi, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.


Devi: What? Are you sure!

Girl: Yes. Very sure!

Devi: Be as you wish.

Think friends,


what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world's most beautiful girl and the richest one, too.

Moral of the story: So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more intelligent than we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!

Now, girls please stop reading ... boys continue till the end of the mail .....

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Dear boys, don t worry, actually what done is something different than what you all think! Actually, the girl's boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl, being world's richest and the most handsome boy.

Moral of the story: Dear boys, the girls are not really that much
intelligent than what we believe them to be. So dont worry if you think that you have girl-friend, intelligent than you.
Hey....I told u girls not to read.......

Shitty Santa

Santa and Banta are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Banta smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around.

He says, "Hey, you shit your pants?"

Santa says, "No."

He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Banta stops his horse and turns around.

He then says, "Are you sure you did not shit your pants?"

Santa, "Yes, I am sure."

They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Santa is swatting the flys away. Banta stops his horse and gets off his horse. He then says, "Get of your horse. Pull down your pants. I thought you said you did not shit your pants?"

Santa replies, "I thought you meant today!"

365 days of sex

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

4 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):

I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, playingvideo games etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

After shameful defeat of team India

The team members were not able to show their faces to people and they chose not to go in public and rather just pack up in hotel rooms.

Dravid could not resist for too long being in the hotel room and still not be able to go out shopping. So he disguises himself as a Sardar and goes out. He meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greets him "Hi Dravid!"

Surprised for having been caught he comes back and makes himself up as a Muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".

Dravid comes back determined to give it yet another try with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain, the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".

Bewildered by now, he could not help asking, "How did you recognize me?"

The lady replied - "I am Sachin!"