Johnny wanted to have s#x with a girl in his office,
but she belonged to someone else...
One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me
screw you. But the girl said NO.
Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up. "
She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend... So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down."
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour
goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his
girlfriend to call.
Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and
asks what happened.
She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal
in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting
screwed!
Kabir :
Aisi baani boliye, man ka aapa khoye
Auron ko sheetal kare, aaphi sheetal hoye
SE:
Aisa presentation dijiye, man ka aapa khoye,
Auron ko confuse kare, aaphi confuse hoye
Kabir :
Guru Govind doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihari guru aapke, govind diyo bataye
SE :
Client aur manager doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihaari client aapke, manager diyo bataye.
Rahim :
Rahiman dhaaga prem ka, mat todo chatkaye
tode se fir jude na, jude gaanth pad jaaye
SE :
SE confidence manager, mat todo chatkaye
Project to barbaad hoye hi, appraisal mein waat lag jaye.
Kabir :
Dheere dheere re mana, dheere sab kuch hoye,
Maali seenche sow ghara, ritu aaye phal hoye
SE :
Dheere dheere re project leader, dheere project execute hoye,
client dikhaye kitni bhi urgency, release deadline ke baad hi hoye..
Kabir :
Jab Tun Aaya Jagat Mein, Log Hanse Tu Roye
Aise Karni Na Kari, Pache Hanse Sab Koye
SE :
Jab project aaye company mein, client hase hum roye,
Aisi karni na kari, tu hase client roye...
Kabir:
Dukh Mein Simran Sab Kare, Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye
Jo Sukh Mein Simran Kare, Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye
SE:
Rush hour mein kaam sab karen, routine mein kare na koye,
jo routine mein sab kaam kare, to rush hour kaahe hoye.
Kabir :
Pothhi padh padh jag mooya, pandit bhaya na koye,
Dhai aakhar prem ka, padhe so pandit hoye
SE :
Coding kar ar jag mooya, programmer bhaya na koye,
Do shabd copy-paste ke, kare so programmer hoye.
Kabir :
Chalati chakki dekh ke, diya Kabira roye,
Do paatan ke beechmein, saabut bacha na koye
SE:
Client aur manager ko dekhke, engineers saare roye,
Deadline meet karne ke chakkar mein, saabut bacha na koye.
Kabir:
Chinta Aisee Dakini, Kat Kaleja Khaye
Vaid Bichara Kya Kare, Kahan Tak Dawa Lagaye
SE:
Deadline aisi dakini, man ka tension badhaaye,
kaam itna ho sar par, time pe complete kaise ho paaye.
Kabir:
Maala To Kar Mein Phire, Jeebh Phire Mukh Mahin
Manua To Chahun Dish Phire, Yeh To Simran Nahin
SE:
Engineer gaye sab cigarette peene, Leader phire office maahin,
Cubicle se jyaada time canteen pe rahe, yeh to dedication naahin
Mr. Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his
neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't
tell anybody."
The next day, Mrs. Sharma receives a telephone call from Reliance Energy
because the electricity bill has not been paid.
" Am I speaking to Mrs. Sharma? "
"Yes... speaking"
Reliance guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the Reliance guy.
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...HOW?????"
" Yes ............ . We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD!!!!!!... ...... This is too much........ .."
"Madam, I am sorry... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are
overdue"
"I know that ... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. .... He will
speak to your company tomorrow "
That night, she tells her husband about the incident, and he, mad as a bull,
rushes to Reliance office the next day morning.
"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Reliance, "it's nothing
serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? And if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."
My dear Jagjit,
I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there.
I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles.
I won’t be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, and that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.
The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club’s poolside. The manager is Badmash. He told her that two piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love - Mom.
P.S. Jagjit, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to
her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
* * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist
it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like
to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the
family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his
first
time and all.
* * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"
* * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.
* * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.
* * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
A married businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the
night with her for $500. He spends the night with her but before he
leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but he
will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the
payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT".
On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the
whole event was not worth the price.
So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following
typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your
apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I
rented the apartment, I was under the impression that;
1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat; and
3) that it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there
wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
Dear Sir,
First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment
to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of
it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is
indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill
it, please don't blame the landlady.
Send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present
landlady to recover the dues.
Wonderful definitions of designations at office .
1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.
2) Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.
3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.
5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.
7) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.
8) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to Produce a baby.
9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby
The queen of England does not have the right to vote in any British election.
The queen of England has two birthdays.
The Queen termite can live up to 50 years and have 30,000 children every day.
The raised reflective dots in the middle of highways are called Botts
The rapid rate of expansion of gas is what gives steam its power. One volume of water, at normal atmospheric pressure and at the boiling point, yields 1,670 volume of steam.
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The reason most mosquito bites itch is because mosquitoes inject saliva into the persons skin before they suck your blood. They take it out once they are done, but if they are forced to fly away, they don't get a chance to draw the saliva out. And it is their saliva that causes the itch.
The reason why the very beginning of The Wizard of Oz is black and white, is because color was not available at that point. When color was available, the writers decided to start using it in Munchkinland.
The record for the biggest one day rainfall was set on Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean, on March 15, 1952, where 74 inches of rain fell in 24 hours.
The record for the most weddings is held by King Mogul of Siam, who had 9000 weddings and 9000 wives.
The red capes used to taunt bulls in bullfights is the same shade of red as the bull's blood. That way you can't tell it is covered with the bull's blood by the end of the fight. Fight spectators like bullfighting, but not blood.`
The red kangaroo of Australia can jump 27 feet in one bound.
The red sea is not red.
The red spot on the 7up cans comes from it's inventor. He was an albino (albinos have red eyes).
The regular garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head.
The Republic of Israel was established April 23, 1948.
The revolving door was invented August 7, 1888, by Theophilus Van Kannel, of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
The Ribbon worm will start eating itself to avoid starvation
The ridges on the sides of coins are called reeding or milling.
The right lung is slightly larger than the left
The right side of a boat was called the starboard side due to the fact that the astronavigators used to stand out on the plank (which was on the right side) to get an unobstructed view of the stars. The left side was called the port side because that was the side that you put in on at the port.
The river Danube empties into the Black Sea.
.
.
The rose family of plants, in addition to flowers, gives us apples, pears, plums, cherries, almonds, peaches and apricots.
The rosy periwinkle plant, found in Madagascar, is used to cure leukemia.
The rumble that is created when a Harley's engine runs has been patented by the company
The Russian Imperial Necklace has been loaned out by Joseff jewelers of Hollywood for 1,215 different feature films.
The S in Harry S Truman stands for nothing.
The safety pin was patented in 1849 by Walter Hunt. He sold the patent rights for $400.
The Sahara Desert expands at a rate of about 1 km each month.
The Sahara desert is larger as Europe and large then the combined areas of next largest 9 deserts.
The Sahara Desert is over twice as big as the second largest desert in the world, The Australian Desert. The Sahara is 3.5 million square miles compared to the 1.47 million square miles of the Australian. This is "true" in the generic sense of the Autralian Desert. There is no Australian Desert. It is divided into many different deserts. What would be true would be to say the Sahara is bigger than the desert space in Australia (which is A LOT not sure how much as a percentage of the total land mass of australia).
The sailfish can swim faster than a horse can gallop.
The saluki is the oldest known breed of domesticated dog. Carvings of animals resembling the saluki have been found in excavations of the Sumerian Empire. They are believed to have originated from between 6,000 and 7,000 B.C.
The salute of uniform bodies (eg. army, police) originated from knights who lifted their visors to show their face to a royalty.
The same material that is used to make bulletproof glass is also used in Tupperware's Rock 'n Serve containers. The container, however, is not entirely bulletproof. Due to the lifetime warrantee on Tupperware products, the company will replace it for FREE! (Just in case you're in quick need of a shield and a Rock 'n Serve is the only thing handy)
The San Diego Zoo in California has the largest collection of animals in the world.
The sandwich is named for the Fourth Earl of Sandwich (1718-92), for whom sandwiches were made so that he could stay at the gambling table without interruptions for meals.
The Santa Maria was the only one of Columbus's ships not to return to Spain. It hit a reef on December 5, 1492 and sank.
The saying 'once in a blue moon ' refers to the occurrence of two full moons during one calendar month. The last two occurred in January & March 1999. The next one isn't until the end of 2001.
The science-fiction series "Lost in Space" (set in the year 1997) premiered on CBS in 1965.
The sea contains about 1/2 of the world's known animal groups
The Sea of tranquility is found on the moon.
The SEALs have been deployed in Vietnam, Laos, Panama, Bosnia, Haiti, Somalia, and Colombia.
The search engine "Lycos" is named for Lycosidae, the Latin name for the wolf spider family. Unlike other spiders that sit passively in their web, wolf spiders are hunters, actively stalking their prey.
The secretary-bird swallow hen's egg whole without breaking its shell.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet!
11. Dogs come when you call them. Cats take a message and get back to you when they are good and ready.
10. Dogs look much better at the end of a leash.
9. Dogs will let you give them a bath without taking out a contract on your life.
8. Dogs will bark to wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.
7. Dogs will bring you your slippers or the evening newspaper. Cats might bring you a dead mouse.
6. Dogs will play Frisbee with you all afternoon. Cats will take a three-hour nap.
5. Dogs will sit on the car seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private box or they will not go at all.
4. Dogs will greet you and lick your face when you come home from work. Cats will be mad that you went to work at all.
3. Dogs will sit, lie down, and heel on command. Cats will smirk and walk away.
2. Dogs will tilt their heads and listen whenever you talk. Cats will yawn and close their eyes.
1. Dogs will give you unconditional love forever. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.
